So I had a cute conversation with my brother yesterday. I was telling him about my deliberations as to whether or not I consider myself a photographer. He chuckled and said that only I would sit around pondering such. I then corrected his assertion by explaining that I had told folks about my photography group having a *show* and that I had a couple of pictures in it. I could see that this conceptually became me “having my work on display at a gallery” and that I was being thought of as a photographer. I don’t really consider myself a photographer. I’m more of someone who takes pictures and occasionally gets lucky. But this all started me thinking about at what point would I consider myself any given “thing”. The act of doing a thing is so often the major requirement for classification. But I think that’s a bit too easy. Just cause someone does it, doesn’t mean classification is appropriate. We are so geared to judge/classify based on actions. Back to the photography, I enjoy the process very much. I always feel like there’s more to learn. The results never seem just right, which keeps me coming back for more:-) I’m not so process-bound as to not enjoy the pictures just in and of themselves though. I am constantly amazed by the talent and dedication of others. One of the pics I had in the show is below.
June 28th, 2009
I went to a 50th birthday party last night.
This may not seem to be of note; which can be said of so much of life.
It was a party to celebrate the precious gift of life where moments and days are to be appreciated, not years. Our host has cancer and the ensuing hyper-focus on living before an anticipated end. There’s a terrible beauty in that. I go day after day, often in tedium, in the ambiguity of a distant and abstract end. I feel inspired by her pursuit of joy and merriment. I’d like to practice soaking in the moments of life more-even the dull and monotonous. Perhaps they wouldn’t be so if I walked into them realizing that they are of but a precious few. It seems daunting-trying to imbue meaning into the normalcy of my days. Maybe it’s about the striving to do so that’s important. I suspect this probably goes into a longstanding theme for me-the effort to be “present” in the moments that fill up my life. Seems silly easy when I write it down. But I’m also realizing I live my life on two levels-one that intellectually gets things and another that emotionally processes things. I hope they meet someday:-)
June 27th, 2009
I’m back.
Seems my blog clock is about a year long.
Trials and tribulations have passed. Joys too.
I promise to try harder this time:-)
June 26th, 2009
In the midst of being my dissertation proposal’s bitch, I’ve decided to take up learning how to use my expensive camera (which I bought while being a bitch to my comprehensive exams, I see a theme). It’s truly a lovely thing to start adding depth to an already pleasing experience. I love taking pictures. I never feel full pride because most of my shots are on auto settings-so while I do pick the subject matter, my camera does all the work-almost sounds like a boyfriend:-), but I digress. I recently met someone foolish enough to agree to teach me how to use my camera. The smallest of tips have felt like revolutions in understanding. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long just on auto focus-sound familiar to any other processes of life? I have always wanted to take night pics but 1) haven’t had a tripod and 2) didn’t have a clue as to how to do so on my camera other than by turning the dial to the little dude with a moon over his shoulder (doesn’t really work, not sure why “they” added this setting other than to give false hope and generally be mean). But a few eves ago, I became a photographer of the night:-) It was awesome. I love taking pictures at night. I’m dying to take “candid” night pics of people in their brightly lit windows in their dark abodes. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to refrain from this as I could probably get arrested for such activities. I really need to practice what I’ve learned because I’m afraid that my memory is just about at capacity with all this silly dissertation shit:-(
August 9th, 2008
I officially love Canada. Vancouver is a wonderful city. Sitting in an outdoor cafe you can hear a string of languages from Arabic, Cantonese to German! Stanley Park is absolutely gorgeous. Rather than the boredom which can ensue for locals concerning tourist traps, they seem to adore and cherish it like a treasure. When I rented my bike to tour the peninsula that is Vancouver proper, I was asked on multiple occasions if I needed assistance. Canadians are sweet people-even the maintenance men. On the day of my bike excursion, I decided to use the hot tub in the Hotel Listel where two friends of mine got married (the reason for the trip). It was located in a room that I had to take stairs down into-a bit removed, isolated. When I got down to the room it was clear I had interrupted the maintenance dude’s work out (there was a small gym set-up as well). Feeling a little self-conscious about the bikini I was wearing I waited for him to disappear, which he did for a bit. But then he came back and started a conversation with me that trailed from the recession in the States to oil, Reaganomics, de-regulating the media, pot being “tolerated” if discreet in Canada, to the local topless beach. He made sure to mention that he’d be at the topless beach that night as it was a full moon and sure to be full of revelers:-) He also let me know that there was no pressure to go topless. I didn’t realize that I might have been hit on until I told my friend about the conversation later that day:-) Too funny.
After the wedding and its attending functions (reception, brunch) we head off for Bamf National Park . We drove to Kamloops, stayed a night, and then pushed on to Lake Louise. Lake Louise is absolutely beautiful. I could just stare at it for hours. There’s such a peace in that place, even with the bajillion people walking around. While sitting on the benches we fulfilled a quota of 2 offers to take pictures for foreigners per person. From Lake Louise we set out for the Columbia Ice Fields. The Icefields Parkway is the most spectacular places I’ve ever been in my life. I couldn’t help but have my eyeballs stuck to the window with “wow” coming out of my mouth every 2 minutes!
I’ve traveled with others several times now and must say that the group dynamic of this trip was outstanding. We drove over 1200 miles in 5 days and there was nary a tantrum to be found. I must say that I truly appreciated how safe I felt with our drivers (Fred and Kate) and Ally was a wonderful travel companion. The feeling of the group was very loving and patient-2 ingredients to any good travel experience:-) I learned how to loose at a card game called Golf!
I owe a world of thanks to my Canada Peeps and must give an official congratulations to Isabel and Ruth!
July 28th, 2008
I love my neighborhood. I feel blessed with our neighborhood’s kharma curbs! My neighbors give away the coolest stuff! When I’m out and about, every so often there’s a little jewel waiting to be whisked away. Today I got a 7 foot tall fig-leafed philodendron. It made my day. I must also say on that I love how my neighborhood peeps always say hi to me AND my furry people. The girls are quite popular after a few months of sporting Mohawks-my little bit to Keep Austin Weird. One of my neighbors calls me “Sparky”. Not sure why, but I gladly accept the nickname. It is all too easy to underestimate what comfort can come from feeling like your surrounded by nice people:-)
May 28th, 2008
The sun is high and bright today. I showed some wisdom in not running at noon:-) Instead I decided to do something I’m less comfortable with doing-swimming. It’s not that I’m a bad swimmer. I am just not used to it. I must admit to feeling self-conscious in many respects when I swim with my form and technique:-) The pool that I go to is gorgeous: outdoors with huge palm trees bookending the lanes on both sides. It is also full of gorgeous, looking people. As I have mentioned, I’ve recently made strides at meditating. One of my growing edges with this endeavor is to try different types of moving meditation. In this I try to focus only on the sensations of the moment, my breathing, the feel of the water, the filtered heat of the sun. One of the things I love about swimming is the sensuousness of water, both tactilely and visually. It’s lovely to feel swirls. My favorite part of every swim is the initial glide through the water and the immersion of blueness. While in the moment today I noticed a halo of light that rode ahead of my swimming shadow. There was this haloed, shadowy bow that advanced itself ahead of my form. It was so neat to have a visual of myself as a transparent shadow lined in light. The spray from my advancing hand was also showing up as perfect, round, shimmering shadows dropped into the blue. The sight of this memorized me for quite some time. I forgot to do my special “breathing” and nausea ensued:-( Once I finished my laps I got out and laid face-down the mesh lawn chairs. While looking face down into the mesh I again was confronted with my shadow. This time it showed my unruly, wet hair and the slight outline of my never perfect form. I thought about the discontent that can come from gazing at my shadow. I closed my eyes and thought about the other sensations of the moment-the slight chill of the wind, the immanent beat down from the sun, and the receding heaviness of being water logged. When I got home I was startled to see how much sun I’d gotten despite my best efforts at sun block. I was also surprised by the notion that images in the mirror are in many ways color filled shadows. I had a stark thought about how the image wasn’t all of who I am. It merely reflects some aspects of my outward appearance, but it so easy to confuse the image for the whole person. I don’t think I want to think too much about it (a challenge in itself). I just like the idea of grounding myself in the feel of moments rather than dominantly anchoring myself by sight.
May 18th, 2008
I have officially begun operation “Uncomplicate Kelly”:-) Several new activities have been initiated in this endeavor, one of which has been meditation. I was a little distressed when I mentioned my desires to meditate to others I seemed to get a universal chuckle. I wasn’t sure if it was from folks’ own difficulties with this seemingly easy task or if it was them laughing at the idea of me trying to meditate. I’m sure it was a mixture of the two. I was very encouraged to find that when I’m in a calmer state, I can quite easily flow into it. I use guided meditations from Meditation Oasis‘ blog. I download the podcasts and either run them straight from the site or put them on my ipod. The challenge for me so far has been meditating when I’m not feeling so good (mood or otherwise). And of course these are the very times when it would provide the most benefit. But I had a surprise the other day. I did the “Letting Go” meditation in the morning. Let’s just say that the rest of the day had plenty of “peak” emotional moments. Periodically, without prompting or purpose, I remembered the feeling of letting go from my morning meditation, and I felt better. Don’t get me wrong, I was pooped at the end of the day, but it was an emotionally clean pooped. Just before falling asleep that night I had an appreciative thought that I had covered some ground on my life journey to uncomplicating Kelly today.
March 4th, 2008
It’s a bit corny, I know, but I love Max Ehrman’s Desiderata. I re-discovered it last Winter. I had just gotten back from a snowless Moscow and was “iced” in at Houston. Beeb and I had braved the cold to go to fabulous pizza place. While servicing my tiny tank in the bathroom, I looked up and found the poem posted on the back of the bathroom stall door. Not a very esteemed place for such wonderful poem, but I don’t think Ehrman would have minded. I’m gonna dork it out and post it below:-)
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
(c) Max Ehrman 1926
January 13th, 2008
After the holidays I was blessed to have received many wonderful things that I didn’t really want, but was greatful for the thoughts. Upon getting home I started a massive return campaign. Buying stuff is stressful for me. I’d like to modify the phrase embarrassment of riches to the stress of riches. I am prone to analysis, it is my gift and my bane. I also warm to notions of practicality. These things coalesce into a maelstrom of consumer hell for me, quickly. I found myself checking the internet for the best possible price on all kinds of silly things. Paralysis soon set in. How could I really know if I was getting the best deal?! My eye actually started twitching , and it’s not because I’m about to start my last semester of classes for my Ph.D. It’s directly related to buying “stuff” mixed in with computer angst (see prior post).
I’m on a strict diet of simple now and am taking steady doses of 130 pounds of combined furry antidote.
January 11th, 2008
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